Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised, I guess. We’ve been married almost eight years, and love, or at least the lust, the passion, the attraction and the fun have been known, and made infamous for slinking sneakily out of the ballroom as the party saunters its way on. It’s possible, though, that we have simply become more honest. Kissing me had become her “time to think about things” she says. Have I always bored her, or has she lost the imagination of where we could go? Have her questions been answered, and so, without wondering, there’s only wandering left?
When I think about it though, I can realize that maybe I’ve always just been able to look past her tendencies to always change the tone, trying to kill my mood. Maybe it was my persistence borne of that ignorance that kept us going. Can I now go back, and convince myself that I didn’t notice what I’d noticed? Will any confidence that I could have faked before slowly be eaten by my sudden realizations, or has she never even seen that mask I tried forcing on anyway?
It’s been like this from the beginning though, I guess. Before she even blatantly flirted with guys with ponytails right in front of me and our daughter in the store; Before she told me that me looking different is a good thing; before our first week of marriage, when she lied about where she was with her “friend”; before she told her ex that she wished she saw his face when she looked at mine while we were engaged; before all that, I was only ever one thing: safe. Can I unsee what I’ve found?